||[Feb. 23rd, 2005|10:33 pm]
I just got back from having coffee with Lindsey. It was fun, actually. Not too many weird silences, thinking about what to say next. I mean, I know a lot of the night was spent reminiscing (sp?) about high school and stuff. But is that really a bad thing? She's the only one that I can do that with. My friends in Ontario are fantastic, but they don't know anything about what high school was like for me. Lindz mentioned Justin Pederson. And at that very moment, memories flooded back - the bus strike, all those times we had to wait together because we carpooled...just so many memories that no one else could possibly understand because they have no idea who he is or what that entire thing was like. I mean, that's my past, who I was. Who I am. I've moved around so much that sometimes I feel like I'm so split up. There's "Montreal-Sandy", "Calgary-Sandy", "Ottawa-Sandy", and now "Hamilton-Sandy". Does anyone know all of these sides of me? Not really. I don't know if even I do. It's not like they're all that different, but they've all shaped me in so many ways, that sometimes I lose sight of who I really am. Life gets so busy that I just...forget to really think about myself. What do I really want from life? Who the hell am I? When I think about my life in Montreal, and then skip ahead to the present, so much has changed, and I wonder how things might have turned out had I never moved to begin with. I visit friends in Ottawa and wonder, why do I feel like I've changed so much? And have the changes been good? Is this what "growing up" is? Or am I just adapting to the changes around me...maybe they're even the same thing. It just makes me wonder...does everyone else feel like they've changed so drastically in the past 7 years? I feel like I've changed so much, that I don't even know if I know myself anymore. Does anyone know me? Or do they just know me at a certain part in my life? I mean, do my friends now actually know me, or just the Sandy of this year? Argh. See, this is why I need to go to Europe. And alone. I need time alone, far away, in a foreign land. I need to be challenged and faced with decisions without anyone else there to influence me. I need to be myself, and figure out who that person is. Maybe I'm having a crisis of identity right now. But I feel so overwhelmed by everything else going on in my life, and everyone else in my life, expecting me to be who they think I am.
The decision of where to live this summer is really throwing me off. It's like a tug of war. Honestly, my only solution is for all my Ontario friends to move out to Calgary. That's impossible, obviously. So what then? Where do I end up? Where will I be happiest?
And another thing, my mom wants me to work when I get to Europe, before travelling. Or she thinks that's what I should do anyway. I want to travel first, then work, then travel some more. I'm itching to see things, and experience things - I don't want to get tied down with a job right away! But I have this crazy urge to please her all the time...like, pressure, to do what she'll be happy with me doing. I hate that, but it's there.
Pressure. That's what I feel right now. I don't want school to end. As long as I continue going to Mac, decisions don't have to be made, no pressure is there because I'm doing what everyone expects me to be doing. But in 2 months, that's over. Oh God. Less than two months. *sigh*
I'm not even in the real world yet, and already I want to go back...